Excited, confused, bewildered, scared shitless?

All of these words and more, describe the tidal wave of emotion that hit me as I boarded the plane. I had known that goodbyes would be difficult but the grief I felt at leaving family and friends behind was staggering. It took my breath away.  I was inexplicably floored by panic and what-ifs. Sleep deprived, I was terrified.

Though I’ve boarded plenty of planes in my life, the sudden realisation I was doing this trip entirely alone overwhelmed me. It was the simple things that pained me most. Like not having another person on board to share my excitement at the in flight film choices, or someone to go swapsies with when the airline food was not to my taste. Thoughts of who and what I was leaving behind filled my mind and left me teary.

I was feeling overcome by the enormity of the challenge I was on the precipice of undertaking when I turned to my right and noticed the middle-aged couple seated next to me. Watching the two of them search for a missing sock, I realised that the woman was totally deaf and her husband in need of assistive hearing aids. (I had thought it strange when the lady had not really answered me when I had asked whether putting my bag in our footwell would be okay). They spoke between themselves in a ‘broken’ style of signing. Naturally, I joined the search for the missing sock and found it lodged under my seat.

I later noticed the woman struggling to select a movie on her screen (mine too was being stubborn)- so I raised the issue with a flight attendent and got both our screens fixed. From this we ‘clicked’ and started chatting, despite the fact we were unable to converse verbally. I listened as she told me about their travel plans, the places I am going to visit that she had already seen and of the years spent living with her father in Cambodia. She commended me for my bravery in jetting off alone and reassured me I would be fine, stating that she too had made a similar trip to Thailand on her own ten years previously.  I marvelled at their intrepidy, their pluckiness to explore places so dissimalr to our own in spite of their shared disability.  It filled me with courage, hope and admiration. It was just the uplift  I needed to boot me out of my anxiety.

I made a few more ‘friends’ along the way; this time by informing some passengers I recognised from my initial flight that our gate number had changed. I chatted to a Thai lady from Derby, who’d been living in the UK for the past 11 years with her husband and 3 kids. She regaled me with tales of what it is like to grow up on the Thai/ Cambodian border, about meeting her husband and adapting to life in the UK. She, and a retired expat from Windsor,  told me places I should frequent, foods I must eat and what I to avoid (in a bizarre coincidence I ended up sitting next to this chap on the plane).

My fretting began to quell a little and I spent most of my connecting flight snoozing. Fortunately for me, I had zero problems in customs and despite my typical “oh-my-god-I-must-not-leave-any-possession-out-of-my-sight” unease, my bulging backpack was returned safely to me. I channelled my inner Cheryl Strayed and heaved my rucksack onto my back. Let’s do this, I thought and I did. Fortunately I’d been warned by my flight buddies not to fret if my pre-ordered pick up was not waiting in Arrivals for me. That I should head over to the “meeting point” instead- and low and behold my taxi person was there in all their glory!

In a divaish moment of brilliance when first I booked this ‘holiday’, I not only arranged a private pick up from the airport (#snazzy) but also splurged on a fancy hotel for my inital few days. What a great decision this turned out to be. Though Bangkok was rife with traffic on the drive in, when I reached my hotel I was greeted with a complimentary drink, free wifi and a replay of the Aresnal v Newcastle match in the lobby. Bliss, I did not have to spend the 5 hours before check-in lugging a heavy backpack around Bangkok in the baking heat! (Even better, the hotel had my room ready within an hour of me arriving! #winning).

The suite I had ordered was just what I needed after an exhausting day of flying. I had joked before my trip that if I was going to have a mental break-down when I got here I would do so in luxury!

Though I did not ‘break down’ as such those earlier feelings of holy-shit-what-am-I-doing began to creep back in and slowly consume me. In my sleep deprived ponder I began to contemplate all the things that could go wrong with this trip. That my grand plan for adventure would not work out for me in the way I had hoped for and dreamed. Tired, hungry and jet-lagged I became nervous about venturing far from my hotel suite and panicked that the hustle and bustle outside would prove too much for me in my ‘fragile’ state.

After a few hours of napping, a shower and messaging home to friends and family, I decided to take heed of my own advice and seize the day. I put on my favourite tunes to get ready, quickly changed, shoved a few baht in my bag then took to the street; allowing the sights and smells of the city to attract and distract me. I saw tuk tuks and orange robed monks, street stalls and shrines- a plethora of treasures all new to my Western eyes. I wandered aimlessly and curiously and ended up stumbling across a beautiful lake and park (which I have since learned is Benjakiti)

Admist all the chaos of Bangkok this place was sun-kissed and still, glowing in the fading light of the day. I watched locals ride bikes and take jogs, whilst others read books and playfully took pictures of themselves (which no doubt would later become facebook profile selfies). This place stilled my racing mind and in that moment everything felt right. I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be.